Jen Devourering Books

Okay, for a little bit of context, my review policy states that I do not accept either self-published works or fantasy/science fiction (I read a little Scalzi and Mieville, but that’s about it as far as the scifi/fantasy thing goes for me).

Except the wrongness didn’t stop there! Not only is his work totally inappropriate for my blog and what I like to read, it was just a completely inappropriate pitch altogether! The pitch version of What Not To Wear, if you will. Below, you will find the pitch in its entirety, minus some identifying information. My remarks are in bold.

Subject line: looking for exposure (Yes, that’s correct, no capitals in the entire subject line! Very professional)

Jen,

     Please allow me to introduce myself. I’m a self published science fiction author from [redacted] (Unless you live near me and think I’ll think that’s cool, who cares?) looking for exposure. The problem is, I can’t afford a publicist, so I have to self promote. (Plenty of authors self-promote, no big deal, it isn’t really necessary to tell me about your money troubles) My dream is to become a well known science fiction author. (I’m just a reviewer, you’re not trying to get me to become your agent/publisher, I don’t need to know your dreams and ambitions) Unfortunately, my books are not widely distributed, and are only available online. (Stop making everything sound unfortunate, work what you have!) However, I’ve attached copies of my books for you to read. (That’s very nice of you, but I’m not going to read them)

     Please note; I’m my own proofreader, and my books are constantly being edited, (Okay, stop right here. First of all, I have no interest in reading anything that isn’t reasonably finished with the editing process. Sure, some ARCs have mistakes still, but those should be fixed before they are on sale. Second of all, I don’t need to know every aspect of how your self-publishing works, so just ditch the entire rest of this sentence) since I must order proof copies of my books from Lulu in order to approve them, and I’m constantly finding errors I didn’t notice with the previous copy until much later (*cringe*). Since I have very little money, each edition of my books often continue to have typos that were missed in the editing process, so they remain flawed until I can afford a new proof copy of any new edition. (*double cringe*) I hope to have enough money someday to be able to pay someone to proofread my books. In the meantime, these are the editions as they stand now, flaws intact. (WHY ARE YOU EXPECTING PEOPLE TO BUY SOMETHING YOU KNOW HAS FLAWS IN IT?) The two PDF files are what one would find online now. The two Word Pad files are what these books will look like once I’m able to publish new editions of them. (Publishing at Lulu.com is free, but approving them to get an ISBN costs money, since one needs a proof copy in order to approve.) (Maybe you should be spending more time with your proof copies to catch more mistakes, instead of expecting people to buy things riddled with errors. Also, STOP TELLING ME ABOUT YOUR MONEY TROUBLES)

     My books are available here; (semi-colon, really?) [redacted]

Also at Amazon.com [redacted]

Yours truly,
[redacted]
Science Fiction Author,
Actor, Playwright, Visual
Artist, and Poet

PS. Thus far, my books are relatively short. My next several projects will be much larger. I’m working on a saga, set in the [redacted] Universe. I’m currently writing Book One.

So, pretty much I want to cry/throw things/kick someone in the shins. I actually wrote a response that was (I think) very polite, but also very firm that all this talk of his finances was totally inappropriate. At the very least, let this be an object lesson to other authors, self- or traditionally published, of what NOT TO DO.

Edit: The author responded to my relatively polite email with one word: “Snob.” If I’m a snob for not wanting to read his unedited books in a genre I don’t really read, then I embrace my snobbishness. It is taking all of my willpower not to respond “LOLZ.”